Like many doulas, I became one to change the world. Almost 10 years ago, when I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I had fantasies of a labor and birth filled with soothing music, candlelight, and a supportive circle of love while I gently breathed my baby down and out into the world. Yeah… it didn’t go that way. My experience actually consisted of a 2 day long induction, IVs, intense pain that I wasn’t prepared for, and finally an epidural – a decision which filled me with guilt, grief, shame and disappointment. I pushed my baby Earthside under an intense beam of bright light, legs spread eagle with a room full of onlookers. So, suffice it to say, I felt robbed. I roared and raged at the healthcare system, at my body that I thought had failed me, and at myself for not being “strong enough” or “wise enough” to persevere with my original dream of a natural birth. Becoming a doula was my way of “making it right” and “making sure” this didn’t happen to other mothers.

Oh, how I’ve grown since that time. So much has shifted for me on this doula journey of mine. Through the passage of time, experience, support, and gentleness with myself, I’ve learned to not only let go of the hurt, anger and guilt associated with the birth of my daughter, but even embrace it as THE pivotal transformative experience that has shaped who I am as a woman, doula, and mother.

Because here’s the thing – Birth is a rite of passage no matter how it unfolds, or whether or not your birth plan holds up. Is it still ok to be disappointed, angry, guilty etc that it didn’t go your way? Of course! But don’t discount the experience – Giving life to another human being is transformative in EVERY scenario. You STILL gave birth to yourself as a mother, you STILL cracked yourself wide open, raw and vulnerable, to do something amazing. Every time I bear witness to a woman giving birth, I know deep in my bones that she is always doing the best she can in that moment – always. Circumstances change, events happen that we cannot control, birth visions are derailed – and YET – she is always doing the best she can in that moment. So, if you find yourself in a place where you can relate – where your birth didn’t go the way you hoped, where birth plans went out window – I want you to sit, and take a deep breath. Breathe into every cell of your body: “I did the best I could in that moment”. Breathe it in and truly feel how this statement is MORE true than anything else you are telling yourself about your experience. You gave birth to your baby, you gave birth to yourself as a mother, you walked across those hot coals and transformed. THAT is what makes birth a rite of passage.
I embrace my story now – it’s a part of me. My hope for all women is that they can find a way to embrace their own stories… to recognize the power of this rite of passage and how it changes us in a way that nothing else ever will… and truly know they did the best they could.